spill

& now, we have, a merry happy nerd!

2012-02-10T17:53:00.000+08:00

this should last... for awhile.

some mad hope

2012-02-10T17:26:00.000+08:00

I've been having an issue with hope.

It's like holding out for something that you're completely unsure of. It's believing in the good, while you're in the unknown. And it's taken a lot of courage for someone like me, who is so afraid of the uncertain, to hold out for some sort of mad hope. Truth is, when you hold out, sometimes, what you get is a big lump of crap dumped into your hands. Like, Plop! Thank you for holding out! Please try again!

But I guess that's just how it works. Some days you get a pile of shit for hoping, other days it's going to seem like you're holding out for nothing. And then, there are those days - days when your hands & your heart are spent - when you're just too tired to hold out for even just one more second, and then, BAM! It rains glitter and love and all you've ever hoped for, and there you are, staring at the sky, thinking, It was worth it!

It.always.is.worth.it.

So have hope. Hold out. Because you'll never know when it's about to pour.

I'ma be

2012-02-09T00:10:00.002+08:00

Watch me.

for the next 3 months

2012-02-08T23:58:00.000+08:00

time will heal

2012-02-08T12:31:00.001+08:00

"It's almost been a month..."

"I know."

"Does it still hurt?"

"On most days, but I try not to let it."

"Where does it hurt?"

"Right here," I say as I point to the seemingly filled space in my chest.

There were hopes and dreams, nights out, and nights in, people and places, music and memories.

He took a long, hard look at it. "Well, it's... still bad. Give it time."

"I am! But how long?"

"As long as it takes."

That's helpful, I thought.

He studied me as if he could hear my thoughts & then finally said,

"You know, if you truly want to get better, try this: stop picking at your wounds."

breathe for love, tomorrow.

2012-01-29T15:14:00.000+08:00

"One more question, I said.

How do you not get cynical?

...Don't you ever get tired of trying?

He studied me sympathetically. Maybe he realized what I was really asking: Why me?

"Let me answer with a story," he said.

"There this salesman, see? And he knocks on a door. The man who answers says, 'I don't need anything today.'

"The next day, the salesman returns.

"Stay away," he is told.

"The next day, the salesman is back.

"The man yells again, 'You again! I warned you!' He gets so angry, he spits in the salesman's face.

"The salesman smiles, wipes the spit with a handkerchief, then looks to the sky and says, 'Must be raining.'

"That's what faith is. If they spit in your face, you say it must be raining. But you still come back tomorrow."

- Have a Little Faith, Mitch Albom

the sickness calls for a cure

2012-01-19T15:25:00.000+08:00

Am I getting better? I can't really tell.

Am I trying? Every single day.

And that's good enough for now, no?

the gift without the lifetime warranty

2012-01-16T12:24:00.001+08:00

"I know there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anything. Some things dont last forever, but some things do. Like a great song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering close, hoping you still see the person you see there . . .

That was the thing, you just never knew. Right now, though, I wanted not to think forward or backward, but only to lose myself in the words."

- Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

the lines blurred over time.

2012-01-12T17:36:00.000+08:00

One day, we stopped being who we were. One day, we stopped going to the movies, just the two of us. One day, we stopped buying good books together and one day, we stopped playing ‘If’ games. One day, we took each other for granted. One day, we forgot our promises. One day our words didn’t seem important. One day, you didn’t pick up. One day, I didn’t. One day, we wanted to be left alone. One day, I walked away. One day, you couldn’t stay. One day, you said, Always. and the next day, I said, I can't do this.

One day, we loved, and the next day, we lied.

how happy is the blameless vestal's lot

2012-01-10T09:02:00.000+08:00

"Please let me keep this memory, just this one."

- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If I had to be left with just ONE memory of us, which would I let it be?

More importantly, I'd like to know, which would you let yours be?

about coming home

2011-12-29T15:57:00.000+08:00

Excuse the absence. I have valid reasons, or something like that.

Anyway, after three whole months of early mornings, an experience at a 9 to 6 job, lessons and laughter, I am done with my internship at Fly FM. *awkward pause because I can’t choose between putting :) or :( - it’s a bit of both, I guess*

Leaving was not exactly the happiest day in those three months, though in the beginning I thought it would be. See, I doubt we ever see the best in things sometimes, until we’re about to lose that very thing. Or at least that was the case for me. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I grew to love what I was doing, but that was when I had to leave. And that’s okay, in a way, because who knows what the future brings!

Anyway, I’m home - in Ipoh - and for some crazy reason, I miss KL and almost all that’s in it. So not me, I know. But then again, I’m only beginning to allow myself to discover, admit and open certain parts of me which I have denied myself from being, just because I was ‘comfortable’ being a certain way or because it was ‘normal’, not odd or cuckoo-ish, and mostly because it was ‘society approved behaviour’. Like, about being unhappy, and how I was afraid to show it, because well, we’re all just ‘supposed’ to be a merry happy bunch of people. Not. Sometimes we wake up and instantly feel like crap, and *pft* that’s okay, really.

I’ve lost track of what I was going to say. Oops.

Coming home, yes.

After all the busyness, the internship, the big two-oh, the lessons learned about patience and forgiveness, the thingabout links, and how they are amazing things, I can finally write, about all of these.

These, are my lessons learned. These, are probably the best parts of the year that was, and these are my honest stories.

Have a kickass New Year. xx

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art – write or draw or build or sing or live only as you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.” – Neil Gaiman.

about the big two-oh

2011-12-29T15:55:00.000+08:00

to everyone who has made the big two-oh as awesome as it was, BIG THANK YOU! xx

about links, which are amazing things

2011-12-29T15:28:00.003+08:00

I am not a fan of uncertainty, really.

But almost every event this year has brought me to a better place in life and as I look back, I can see that there are links to everything. Why you are here, right here, right now, has its future purpose. Why it hurts right here, right now, you'll understand all of it someday soon.

So, "take it easy, but take it." - Woody Guthrie

I never saw myself working at Fly FM. It all started when I went for the Live Out Loud Uni Talk at my current college - SEGi University College - which I transferred to, from my previous college, which had somehow closed down, for some reason. I also never saw myself doing what I did in Fly FM - PR, Events, Brand & Communication. I was so adamant about doing copywriting, but I had somehow only received my internship confirmation from the advertising firm two weeks after I had joined Fly FM. Oh, trust me, I was actually torn between staying or leaving!

See, if I hadn't gone to my previous college, and if it hadn't closed down at that time, I wouldn't have ended up at SEGi. And as sucky as it was then, here I am now!

I guess part of growing up is about making decisions and I personally never believed in 'wrong decisions.' I mean there are 'stupid decisions' but there are hardly any 'wrong decisions'. You pay for whatever choices you make, and for me, every single thing eventually leads to another. Whether it's a new beginning or a sucky ending, it's still something.

So yes, this year, I am thankful for decisions, and links and how things work out eventually, even if you can't see them in the beginning. Which leads to my lessons on patience, and here I am, still uncertain, but certainly still learning.

about patience & forgiveness

2011-12-29T15:28:00.000+08:00

There’s so much to be said about these two things and I don’t know where to start. Also, I’m trying not to bore the hell outta you.

Let’s just say patience isn’t my strongest suit. I want what I want (and I often get it), here, now, right in front of me. And on some days that is a good thing, simply because it pushes me to get things done.

But sometimes, life doesn’t work that way. It can be a complete uncertain bitch that will make you wait, and wait, and bear with the pain in your arse until you want to scream, I AM TIRED AND I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!

Which is kind of what I chose to do. And trust me, the results were ugly.

I learned that you can’t quit something just because it’s hard, but most of all, I learned to not only be patient with the rest of the world, especially with the ones that I love, but also with myself. Ironically, I’m a little slow in this ‘learning to be patient’ process.

Forgiveness isn’t much of a different story from the one about patience because they are somehow linked to one another. Everything is, anyway. Surprise, surprise.

So yes, here I am, learning to let it go – both the hurts from others, and those that I have inflicted upon myself. I’ll save the stories for another day, but I have to say, “If you cannot change the people around you, you can at least have the satisfaction of surprising them.” – Gordon Livingston.

about being unhappy

2011-12-29T15:27:00.000+08:00

I don’t know when or how I began to feel ‘unhappy’ or even why. But really, do we always need reasons?

In addition to the unhappiness, it was odd being that way. Because while I was unhappy for awhile (okay, QUITE awhile), I chose not to let even some of the closest people see it, because we’re not ‘supposed’ to be unhappy, like happiness is just there, so what was wrong with me?! That was the odd part. I didn’t want people to ask me, “What’s wrong?” Because there were only two answers to that. Some days it was, “Nothing”, - I’m just unhappy, DON’T YOU GET IT?! - and on others, “Everything!” - Like the way the traffic moves, or the way the sun shines or how your hair just won’t fall into place and EVERYTHING IS JUST NOT RIGHT!

Odd.

I remember waking up and thinking, Today, I’m going to be happy! I am going to see rainbows and unicorns in everything! Who was I kidding, I wanted to be happy, not high.

Anyway, when I finally found the time to sit my arse down and ask myself, What is wrong with you?! I had no answer. Odd. That was when I began to search for happiness. This was no ‘pursuit of happyness’ sorta thing, rather it was just me, shifting my life about, leaving people and places as I wished, just because. And no, that didn’t cure it. Running away doesn’t solve anything.

Long story short, and in case you’re wondering, I have no answer to why I was unhappy for that period of time. Work, stress, people, relationships, who knows, who cares.

I only know why I’m happier today. And the answer to that is because, ‘You can’t be unhappy when you’re a verb’ – Oliver Miller.

Do something, love something, be something. That was my cure.

Writing helps me put things into perspective, and that is why I do it, and because I’m a better/ happier person when I’m writing. It’s like living for me. Writing to me, is living, simply because I think there’s nothing better than a couple of good lines to help us get by, except coffee, of course.

So, here are those lines that helped me get by, and I hope, whenever needed, you'll believe in them & they’ll do the same for you:

“No matter how frightened or discouraged I may become about the future, I look forward to it. In spite of everything I see all around me every day, I have a shaky assurance that everything will turn out fine; and I don’t think I’m the only one. Why else would the phrase, “Everything is alright” ease a troubled place in so many of us? We just don’t know, we never know, yet we have so much faith.

We hold our hands over our hurts and lean forward. It’s how we keep on, this kind of hope.” - Elizabeth Berg

I hope you find your verb, and your happiness.

like flags in the wind

2011-12-11T00:40:00.001+08:00

While waiting for a friend today around Bukit Bintang, I spent quite awhile just people watching.

What I saw, broke my heart.

On one side, shoppers with their fat wallets and Prada bags, while on the other side, if you bother looking, you'll see a whole different scene.

The barefooted old man who sits, collapsed on the pavement and the people who just pass him by. The kids who give their hearts and bodies away, way too soon. Men, without shame or guilt or a friggin sense of respect, who would just walk up to these women, offer a price, use them and leave.

And a sea of people who couldn't care less.

Who, or rather, what, are we?

"Reality has left you reeling, All facts and no feeling, No faith and all fear...

Who's at fault is not important, Good intentions lie dormant, And we're all to blame."

- Brooke Fraser, Flags.

the other love letter

2011-11-30T23:32:00.002+08:00

Maybe we'd fight over the silliest things. Like how you promised you'd bathe the dog on Tuesday but you didn't and how you couldn't even remember what you were up to. Maybe I'd tell you how irresponsible I think you are and I'd spit it at your face while you stare me down and question my arguments. Maybe I'd walk away because the thoughts in my head are to mean for me to stay and say.

Maybe we'd sit at a table with our friends and not talk throughout dinner because we are both just as relentless. Maybe I'd steal a glance or two, maybe you would too. Maybe I'd tell a joke and you'd laugh at my line, and I'd watch you smile and secretly thank the Heavens that you're still mine.

Maybe in all those hours of heated arguments and spaces, all I really want to do is hold you, because it's what we usually do! Maybe my arms are so used to being wrapped around you that I have to tell them not to. Not now, hands, not now.

And maybe when the night is over and you come to say goodbye, you'd tell me that you're sorry we fought and I'd tell you that I'm sorry too. Maybe in between those sorry(s), I'd hate myself for wasting the evening being away from you.

Maybe you'd tell me that even when I'm angry, I should probably just shut up and hold your hands. I don't have to spew those mean words, or leave, "Because the last thing I wanna see you do is walk away from me."

And finally, maybe in that almost empty parking lot you'd tell me you love me, and I'd scream, I love you too!

Because I do.

I really do.

Always.

the better parts

2011-11-21T00:30:00.000+08:00

"You gotta be careful that the person you fall in love... is worth it, to you."

"How you do trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?"

"I think the only way you can find out is to...have a feeling. You're a good person, honey. I think you have the right to say, "Yes, I do trust. I trust myself.""

"She just seems different, you know. I don't know."

"Wait. How different?"

"I don't know. I just got a feeling about her. You know when a song comes on and you just gotta dance?"

- Blue Valentine

the tension of opposites

2011-11-20T15:57:00.004+08:00

Remember when we needed a bigger bed, or, separate beds, because the both of us were just not good at sleeping next to each other, and sometimes, you'd have a bad dream or you'd talk in your sleep, and that would wake me? Remember when we wished there was more space in the room, for your guitars, your music notes, your books, your crap and my books, my stationery, my coffee cups, my crap? Remember when we wished for a bigger house, a better car, nicer clothes, better meals, fancier restaurants, breakfast to wake up to, and for airplanes to getaway?

Forget all that.

Now, all I want is to remove the distance, to lay on this small bed and be weaved into you.

I don't want the space anymore, I just want you close. Always.

stay open, forever

2011-11-16T10:44:00.000+08:00

"Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible.

Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen."

- George Saunders

the growing up goes slow

2011-11-06T14:36:00.000+08:00

& I'm so sorry, it's not like me,

it's maturity that I'm lacking.

the lover's dictionary

2011-11-01T17:35:00.002+08:00

Bliss.

Taking a day off from work, and spending it just being wrapped in your arms.

the grateful tuesday

2011-10-18T14:28:00.000+08:00

for not having to wait for a cab to get to work, for good hair days and coffee, for work, and great company at lunch, for smart conversations and people whom I can relate to, but most of all, for a God who listens, even to the quiet things.

I am extremely grateful.

the best things about home

2011-10-17T22:08:00.000+08:00

one day

2011-10-13T17:44:00.000+08:00

One day, we'll wake up to each other and not have to go anywhere.

No need to rush off to early morning classes, or get up & shower or you'll be late for work! One day, we won't waste time with arguments. There'll be no sitting apart in silence or angry voices. One day, I'll stop letting the bad moments define the relationship. One day we will have no plans or expectations for the day, in a good way, because then we'd take whatever comes along and we'd...you know...seize the day! One day. One day we won't have to say our goodnight(s) through text messages or phone calls, or after long nights. One day, we won't have to miss each other, for awhile, and then we'll spend time apart, just to remember how important we are to one another, and to never take each other for granted.

One day, we'll drive away and not tell anyone. We won't let people at work know, maybe leave our families little notes, but that's it. And we'll find our place, somewhere, and there, we'll lie next to each other and dream, and know that when we wake up tomorrow, we'll wake up to each other and maybe, you'd turn to me and say,

'Today, we don't have to go anywhere.'

the process

2011-10-12T11:32:00.002+08:00

"Today I sit in front of Jesus and hand him a list of every man's name that I've slept with and kissed - and a face sketched for the names I don't remember. Today I sit at Jesus' feet with an entire book filled with every lie I've ever told and every hateful comment I've ever made.

Today I sit next to Jesus and hide my face while he watches my life play back on the screen - every night I've draped myself over men at the bar and mixed profane lips with a half-dressed body, every minute I've spent watching pornography, and every coffee date I've gossiped about other women behind their backs.

Today I hand Jesus a lifetime of bank statements with every outrageous, self-satisfying expense highlighted - and I watch Him add up my selfishness that I "deserved" as He pulls a small, motherless and homeless child closer to Him in his lap.

Today I sit in the dirt, unable to see Jesus' ripped flesh on the cross through my tears. Knowing that it is for MY sins that He has endured Hell."

By: Lauren Nicole Love

I can try, but probably never be able to explain what this is doing to me.

All I know is that it has flicked a switch, nudged a big part of me, and it is now looking me in the eye and asking,

'Do you really know what you're doing this time?'

the weekend that was

2011-10-11T15:14:00.001+08:00

"No past, no future, nothing beyond the present. And in it's own way, that was perfect.

It's just that it would have been nice to be somewhere else once in awhile."

- Kevin Brooks

"Maybe what we're doing right now, sitting here and looking at the clouds, is making the most of life.

Maybe it's when we're seemingly doing nothing, inhabiting this very moment, that we're most alive."

- Richard Uhlig

tweetphase

2011-10-11T14:41:00.000+08:00

because I have a need to continuously ramble on about...well, everything, follow me!

why I write

2011-10-10T17:57:00.000+08:00

"I was just reading your blog, updating myself...and...tears build up because I am in awe of your clarity and thoughts and how you handle your life. You've got a good life going on for you there. I only hope someday I'll be able to say the same thing.

You should be really proud of what you pen in your blog. Maybe for you, it seems like rambles of your everyday life, but you have no idea how inspiring you really are. I read through the pages and I felt inspired, to change...to do something about my life too.

You inspire me."

and you, keep me writing. a million thank you(s) would never be enough. But let me start with one -
thank you.

2011-10-06T17:39:00.000+08:00

"The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking.

As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it."

- Steve Jobs

if I die young

2011-10-06T10:06:00.001+08:00

It's everywhere - on twitter, facebook, in conversations all over my office - Steve Jobs is, well, gone.

I was never really into all the Apple products hype. Yeah, iPhones, iPads, iWhatever - they were pretty cool, but being the non tech-crazy person, they were just products to me. I mean, if I could afford it, I'd buy them all and be quite certain that my life would be changed forever.

But you know what struck me the most about all this? Hearing, and seeing the world talk about him.

Such.an.impact.

And if there's one thing that Steve Jobs has done for me, it's probably not in his very cool gadgets but rather in helping me figure out that this is how I'd want to live, and leave:

Always remembered.

the difference

2011-10-04T10:09:00.001+08:00

“If one makes a mistake, then an apology is usually sufficient to get things back on an even keel. However-and this is a big ‘however’- most people do not ever know why their apology did not seem to have any effect. It is simply that they did not make a mistake; they made a choice…and never understood the difference between the two."

- Andy Andrews (The Noticer: Sometimes, all a person needs is a little perspective)

Sometimes I still want to apologise for my actions.

I want to write you a million sorry(s), but that just won't do.
Because apologies are meant for mistakes, not choices.

And now I've learned the difference between the two.
But what's more important is, I've learned that my choice was not a mistake.

And neither were you.

holes in the red sheet

2011-10-01T04:52:00.002+08:00

As I walked back to my apartment tonight, knowing that after all I've done for the day, no matter how well or how bad I've done it, I wasn't happy.

And I suddenly began to wonder about superheroes.

I wondered if superheroes get tired.
I wondered if they ever get tired of trying to clean up everybody else's mess

I wondered if they ever go back to their apartments or houses and felt all alone.
I wondered if they ever want, just once, to be selfish for a day, to not have to be strong for anyone or to stand up for anything, to not have to leave their beds to go out there to save the day.

I'm no superhero, it's obvious.

But sometimes it feels like I'm trying so hard to be one. To save the day. To clean up someone else's mess. To pick up the pieces. To just be there, so that even if things don't get better immediately, you know that the people you love are okay - they're alive, and you're there to witness that.

I'm in no way bragging about what I try so hard to do. Truth is, I don't know how to be good at everything, all at once.

And there are nights like these when I just want my way, for once, I'd say. Just this once, don't leave me alone. I'm tired and I'm spent and I'm no superhero, as much I pretend to be one.

So, stay.

And we'll hide beneath this make-believe cape I've made.

2011-09-23T17:04:00.000+08:00

“Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape.

A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in your life. He has put the vision in you - proceed."

- Andy Andrews

the lover's dictionary

2011-09-20T09:07:00.000+08:00

Flawless.

Bad, undone hair, pale, make up-less face, quiet cause I'm tired and whiny even when you're with me.

When I'm all these and you tell me,"You're prettier than you know."

Flawless.

reminders & promises

2011-09-18T18:57:00.003+08:00

September began with not having a job, whining about it, getting a job, being sick and tired of routine within a week and whining about that too.

On the way back to Ipoh over the weekend, I kept asking myself (and God), What am I doing here? Really, what on earth, am I here for? What happened to all those visions and dreams and promises that You had for me?

Working 9 to 6, trying to manage between being a good enough daughter/girlfriend/bestfriend/friend and having enough sleep wasn't really all I saw myself doing. Some people tell me, It's just like that in the beginning!

Some people should get a job.

And lately, so often I feel that work is taking up so much time! How am I supposed to do the other things in life that I enjoy! How am I supposed to go out there, take the time to smell the roses when I'm always either rushing to work, or dead tired after? HOW?!

As we drove along, I saw a painting..Wait, scratch that. I saw, an absofrigginlutely breathtaking masterpiece. I could close my eyes right now and be transported back to the very same moment and still have my breath taken away. It was... overwhelming, and I immediately fell in love with it. I stared, and I stared, and then I stared some more, just trying to take this beauty in. My mind tried coming up with words to describe this...blue, wait, no, orangey blue evening sky..with the perfect mix of light, clouds, colours, and a rainbow, and God, beautiful would be a major understatement.

At that very moment, I was reminded of this quote in The Shack by William P.Young – “Don't forget that in the midst of all your pain and heartache, you are surrounded by beauty, the wonder of Creation, art, your music and culture, the sounds of laughter and love, of whispered hopes and celebrations, of new life and transformation, of reconciliation and forgiveness."

I've always thought that I had to go away - somewhere else, somewhere ‘nice’ and new - to marvel at something, to 'take a break'. Now I'm seeing, literally seeing, that there is beauty and hands that hold me. I see that I have a reason to stop and stare and be in awe at creation.

I see love and I see rest.

I see God, and a promise kept.

'So baby, in between, notice the blue skies...'

walk with me

2011-09-14T00:17:00.001+08:00

I'm learning to take baby steps to the bigger things in life :)

(Excuse the lack of updates/writing)

Currently, I'm interning at a local radio station network - Fly FM.

I've been kept very busy, and I think my body's still learning to adjust to it.

Thank God for caffeine, company during lunch, and people who make me smile :)

2011-08-26T15:24:00.000+08:00

"What are you going to do with your life?"

In one way or another it seemed that people had been asking her this forever; teachers, her parents, friends at three in the morning, but the question had never seemed this pressing and still she was no nearer an answer.

'Live each day as if it's your last', that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn't practical. Better by far to be good and courageous and bold and to make difference. Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved, if you ever get the chance.

- One Day by David Nicholls

you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

2011-08-26T14:57:00.001+08:00

I want to intern at this famous advertising company. I want a car, because the company's hella far. Better yet, I want someone who'd drive me there, and pick me up at the end of the day. I want to not just do one thing for the rest of my life, I want a taste of every other thing I love. On some days, I want to lose about ten whole kgs, just so I'll be 'pretty' according to society and the media. On other days, I don't give a fuck about how much I eat or weigh or look. Some days, I care too much about these little things.

Today, I want to go away. I want to figure out what I really want, and though I know figuring yourself out is a never-ending journey, I want to do just that, for awhile. I want to not worry about whether or not I'll be wasting 3 months doing something I don't enjoy. I want to not be bothered by 'What If(s).' I want to buy a plane ticket, have thousands of dollars in my account, and just fly away. I want to marvel at the simplest things, I want to see new things and I want to fall in love with life all over again. I want to leave little notes in the randomest places, telling people they don't have to lose ten kgs to be beautiful. I want to go up to someone and say, God loves you, and not feel completely silly about it. I want to trust and believe and surrender to a great God, who I know, loves me too. I want to take beautiful pictures and put them up in a gallery for a day. I want to twirl in pretty dresses and bring out the girl in me who wants to spend days writing and falling in love. I want to be the reason someone says, I'm here today because of something she said/wrote.

I want to change the world with words, that's all.

2011-08-26T01:05:00.003+08:00

Be Right Back.

this is a call

2011-08-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt this way before

Cause I don't wanna hide anymore

Take me to a place where nothing's wrong

and thanks for coming, shut the door

They say someone out there sees us

Well, if You're real then save me, Jesus

Cause I've been this way for far too long

I wasn't meant to feel alone.

God be the solution

2011-08-11T21:18:00.002+08:00

"for we beat at His chest from within the circle of His arms."

all that You are

2011-08-10T18:33:00.001+08:00

You, pull me through
When I'm alone in the dark and fear was my truth.

- Goo Goo Dolls

life is a maze & love is a riddle

2011-08-10T18:12:00.000+08:00

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment

I'm so scared, but I don't show it.

2011-08-05T00:28:00.002+08:00

- The Kite Runner

tearing at the seams

2011-08-04T14:18:00.002+08:00

a chaos that plays on repeat in my head.
a need for control.
a lust for independence
& hands that won't let go.

echoes, and silence, patience and grace

2011-08-03T00:42:00.000+08:00

"I feel so lost."

"I know. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear Me clearly. You are not lost."

- The Shack

of passion & poetry

2011-08-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

"No matter what anyone tells you, words and ideas can change the world."

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

"Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go, "that's baaaaad." Robert Frost said, "Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

- John Keating, Dead Poet's Society.

ambiguous, but awesome

2011-08-01T23:55:00.001+08:00

Dear August,
I like you already!

*does the jiggy* :D

and the reason is...

2011-07-29T23:21:00.000+08:00

"That your body fights your mind and your mind fights your soul and your soul fights the world, to try and figure out what you are.

That sometimes, you're just tired.

That's all."

- I Wrote This For You

Alibi

2011-07-29T00:03:00.002+08:00

I fell apart, but got back up again.

weird, but true.

2011-07-28T23:35:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I think I make me angry.

*pft*

happythankyoumoreplease

2011-07-26T01:34:00.001+08:00

Go Get Yourself Loved.

Annie: About a year ago, I was in this cab, and the cab driver - this Indian guy, started telling me...he started telling me all sorts of stuff. He was just looking at me in the rear view mirror and he said, Bliss. Bliss is your birthright. And I was like, Uh...45th and Madison? And he said, You have great potential in this lifetime. The key to your life is gratitude. You do not give enough thanks. And I said, Well, how do I do that? And he said, Simple! Say 'thank you.' And I said, Well, when? And he said, All the time! Like now. And he said that after I say 'thank you,' I should say, 'more please'

Sam #2: Wait... thank you, more please?

Annie: Yeah! That with gratitude, the universe is eternally abundant. So, I've been giving gratitude a shot.

Thank you more please. Thank you more please. Thank you more please.

Annie: So, what got you into photography?

Sam #2: Oh, I wouldn't call it photography.

Annie: What would you call it?

Sam #2: I love taking pictures, I guess.

Annie: Okay. Well, why do you take pictures?

Sam #2: Umm.. I don't know. When I see something I like looking at, I get to keeping looking at it.

Mary Catherine: Do you remember what you said to me the first night we kissed?

Spencer: No...

Mary Catherine: I was wearing this little black cocktail dress. It was way too fancy for the ball we were at, but I thought I could pull it off. Oh, you know like 'This little number? I just threw this on! No big deal!' And I was all excited to see you, and you sat down next to me at the table... You really don't remember this? You looked at the dress and you said, Where are you going? Prom?

Spencer: I'm sorry..

Mary Catherine: No! It was perfect! Cause finally here he was - the guy who wouldn't let me get away with anything.

Annie: Sam, look, I'm not good for you.

Sam #2: *looks at her*

Annie: What?

Sam #2: Are you happy?

Annie: No! I'm not happy.

Sam #2: I can make you happy. Seriously, let me love you. I am totally up to the task. Actually I already started.

Annie: I can't.. I can't..

Sam #2: No, no, no, don't. Don't walk out on this before it's even started, please. Look at me. I get it, okay. I get it. I'm not guy you had in mind. But what if you don't know what's best for you?

Annie: And you do?

Sam #2: I believe I do.

Annie: Where did you come from, Sam #2?

Sam #2: Westchester.

Annie: *laughs*

Sam #2: Do you wanna know why I hang out on the 5th floor? First time I saw you, God, I thought, Wow! Her! The girl with the funny head wrap. I don't wanna be near that girl! Trust me, I don't normally talk this way but I am gone over you!

Annie: Stop, okay! Shut the fuck up.

Sam #2: Why?

Annie: Just stop, please! Please, don't say that!

Sam #2: You can hear this! Close your eyes. I just want you to listen to me. Humor me, please?

Sam #2: It's not easy, being adored. You in particular, you have a tougher time than most, I get that. But I want you to give it a try. Think of it as an experiment. I promise, I will be very wonderful at adoring you, Annie. It's an area where I think I've got a great deal of talent! You're worth that adoration, Annie! You're worth it. And the fact that you don't believe it, has nothing to do with whether it's true or not. It is true for me, and that is all that matters.

Annie to Sam Wexler (Josh Radnor) : So, get this. You know how people say 'Beauty is on the inside' ? That's total bullshit! Beauty is on the outside, and I love me some beauty! I mean, who doesn't? But here's the crazy thing, Sammy Boy. I'm listening to Sam #2, listening, cause he made me close my eyes! So hot! And he's making a total case for me and him to be an item. And as he's talking, it's like the molecules on his face must have rearranged themselves, cause when I open my eyes, suddenly I'm in front of the most beautiful, gorgeous man.

Annie to Sam Wexler: So here's what I have to say to you before the damn beep cuts me off, Sadness be gone! Let's be people who deserved to be loved! Who are worthy, cause we are worthy! We really are.

mainstream made emotions

2011-07-25T16:18:00.001+08:00

"You deserve to be happy & excited about your life."

- Tyler Glenn, Neon Trees.

I found life out on the weekdays

When we would drive to some new city

Call me crazy, I was born to make a mess

Would you love me still if I were to confess

That I had a little too much fun

Back when I was young

no, seriously.

2011-07-22T21:42:00.001+08:00

I wanna get in trouble, I wanna start a fight!

- Pink, So What.

comfort food for the soul

2011-07-19T01:13:00.001+08:00

So I'll stop searching for the answers,

I'll stop praying for an escape,

I'll trust You, God with where I am,

And believe that You will have Your way,

Just have Your way.

What I Wouldn't Do

2011-07-19T00:35:00.007+08:00

It wasn't long before I started losing my patience over the way she was dealing with the situation.

- "You know, you don't have to do all these things for him. If he's going to ignore you, then you get to ignore him too. I mean, why waste your time like this?"

"So, being in love is a waste of time?"

"If you count this as love, then yes, it's a waste of time."

I really am not the best person to look for if you're bawling your eyes out over 'Why isn't he calling me back?' or anything in that range of stupidity. I'd give you the truth - He doesn't care. So why should you?

Maybe the cynicism stemmed from books like 'He's Just Not Into You' or maybe it's just the not-so-good experiences speaking.

Either way, I'd like to think I'm right.

Throughout the conversation above, I felt pretty 'right' about my opinions. It lasted up till the point when she started speaking through her tears, telling me how far she'd go for this guy, how she has never done this for anyone else but him. *mini eye-roll*

But for a moment there, I thought, Wow, what a fighter.

Because honestly, that's just not the way I am. I've never really fought for anyone, or found the need to. So I spent the next 30 minutes or so thinking about how it would feel like if I ever were to take an hour drive, just to show up at your door, begging for 'one more chance', to wait by the phone for a call, to go through sleepless nights over a major argument.

Oh, all the things I wouldn't do.

And then I thought, What a horrible, un-romantic person I must be! :O

The thought didn't last long though, cause sometimes, when needed, I believe, the right words find you. And for me, this was it:

"I don’t want to date someone indifferent to themselves or to me. Is it an oddity that I don’t want to be treated like crap? I do not have time to hopelessly await someone’s phone call; I do not have time to place heaps of unwarranted blame on myself when someone or something seemingly ‘disappears.’ I don’t have the time to jump through hoops to prove that I am worthy of someone’s affections, and even if I did have the time? That’s not how I would spend it."

- Thought Catalog

Enough said.

(p/s: now that I no longer feel bad about not being a 'fighter,' I thank God for someone who does not put me through all this shit. *phew*)

And you asked me what I want this year

2011-07-18T16:35:00.000+08:00

'Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings, designer love and empty things

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

2011-07-18T14:40:00.000+08:00

you want the sunrise to go back to bed
I want to make you laugh.

- Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk ,Paperweight.

when the music fades, all is stripped away

2011-07-16T00:57:00.001+08:00

no distractions,

no one else,

no big concert,

no sermon,

no false commitments,

no hypocrisy,

no pretending,

no vanity.

I'll bring You more than my cluttered mind,

more than those friends I'm trying to 'save,'

more than a song,

more than some story about what I've done,

more than false promises that I'll be better 'if only You'd..'

more than 'I'm here because it's a Sunday morning.'

more than my good attitude for that night,

more than my make-up that I'm afraid might run if I cry.

I'll bring that version of me that's been dying to meet You.
I have a feeling You'll love her too.

2011-07-16T00:23:00.000+08:00

I have a lot of questions about... well, everything.

the lover's dictionary

2011-07-11T21:40:00.000+08:00

Weightless.

I can't swim, but I really like the water.

The way it can be so inviting, allowing me to dip my feet in, without threatening to swallow me whole. I like the way it moves, slow & calm, and sometimes, in loud, crashing waves. I love how weightless it leaves me feeling, and how in its vastness, you can't hide. No make-up, wet hair, all smiles. I like how it makes it difficult to run, and how much it makes you want to stay.

I like how you make me feel the same.

Weightless.

comfortable

2011-07-11T20:18:00.000+08:00

"I loved you, grey sweatpants, no make-up, so perfect."

- John Mayer

part of the list of the things that I miss

2011-07-11T19:57:00.001+08:00

'talking to you whenever I want.'

something we could so easily take for granted.

boo :(

2011-07-11T01:07:00.000+08:00

one day, you'll get sick of saying that everything's alright.

- Paramore, Let This Go

there is a light that never goes out

2011-07-03T14:24:00.003+08:00

'Take me out tonight,
Because I want to see people and I want to see life
Driving in your car, Oh please don't drop me home...'

- The Smiths.

when the silence gets loud

2011-07-02T01:58:00.000+08:00

- Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

Nights alone always make way for the darkest discontent to creep in, when nothing but the fantasies of going away would fill my mind.

Like how maybe you'd turn around and say, 'Screw this. Let's leave.' and you'd take my hand, wasting no time on questions of 'Where?' or 'How?' or any sort of uncertainties. I'd look at you with wondering eyes, unsure of what is going on, but at the same time, wanting it more than anything else in the world right now. I wouldn't question anything at all, or even try to stop you. We'd just leave.

Go somewhere, anywhere, anyhow.

the paradox of God

2011-07-01T16:07:00.001+08:00

"We are learning to live in the paradox of God – to know that He is consistent, but He is also unpredictable.

He is consistent in His nature – you always know where you are with God, but you seldom know what He is going to do next.

But you always know where you are with God because He never changes.

This great God that we serve will throw us into situations beyond us with no other thought than that His great heart will sustain us."

- Graham Cooke, The Nature of God.

the lover's dictionary

2011-07-01T14:24:00.002+08:00

Iridescent.

Like all the beautiful things that you are - sides that I've seen, and sides that are yet to be discovered. Like the way your honest laughter sounds, or the way you stare when you're over there, the way only I know certain things, the way you know me. The things we say when no one's around, the way I love your smile because it's the reason for mine. Every serenade, every silent conversation, every thought that we try to never leave unspoken, every fight, every make-up session, every hug for the random-est reasons, every song ever written, every line ever spoken - these things and so much more that you are made up of.

You once told me that a photograph could never capture what only the eye could.

Iridescence.

laughter, love & getaways.

2011-06-29T15:18:00.001+08:00

my source of unbroken happiness :)

but, love me.

2011-06-29T13:49:00.000+08:00

begin, again.

2011-06-20T23:12:00.000+08:00

a new semester begins tomorrow with a 9 a.m. class.

sleeping in ends tomorrow with a 9 a.m. class.

boo :(

dolce far niente

2011-06-10T17:36:00.000+08:00

pretty much my list for the next coupla days :)

food for thought.

2011-06-10T15:23:00.002+08:00

' Why do you do what you do? Is it to impress those around you? Your family? Your friends? Your lover?

Do you do it to make money? To live in a nice house? To buy things that can't be scratched?

Or do you do it because you love it. Because it lets you finish each day with a smile on your face and a thought in your mind.

"Today I did the best I could do. Not because I had to. Because I wanted to." '

- I Wrote This For You

Ironically, I read this on my last day of work here.

no promises

2011-06-10T10:18:00.002+08:00

I may not always send you 'Good Morning' texts , or constantly give you handwritten love letters.

I may not always be there, in person.

I may not be one of those silly romantics who would hop on the next train/plane/bus just to reach you.

I might be the cause for a bad day.

I might shut you out at times and not tell you what's on my mind.

I might be pulled away by the distance.

I'll doubt you at times

I'll be late.

I'll mess things up.

But whenever I do, I will write my heart out to you.

But when I am, I'll make up for lost time.

But who knows, I might just surprise you.

But I'll also be the cure.

But I'll let you in when I'm ready.

But I'll make my way to you.

But I'll stop seeing you in the light of my past, and learn to trust.

But I'll get there.

But I'll make this last.

*inspired by I Wrote This For You.

where do I begin

2011-06-06T10:38:00.000+08:00

'I think I'll be brave, starting with you.'

- Tawgs Salter

heart, upon sleeve

2011-06-06T10:19:00.000+08:00

"It's not like I don't have insecurities, but I just give myself out. I don't want to pretend to be doing it whole heartedly, when inside, I'm half-hearted."

I stayed up thinking about those lines and wonder, how is it, that despite the insecurities, despite what has happened, some are able to love like they've never been hurt.

I know for certain that I don't love like that, at least not yet.

skins

I remember how it was. Young, and stupid, yes, but brave, so unafraid. Exhausting, yet somehow, fulfilling. Being so consumed in it that you don't remember how you were able to survive before this person.

But that was then.

Eventually we all get our hearts broken. For some, it may be once or twice, but I don't think the number counts. And as much as I hate to believe it, somehow our past has an effect on us, no?

I remember how it was, yes, but I honestly don't remember how it felt.

You know, to love like you're fifteen, all goofy and new, so sappy and giving. To love like you've never been hurt before, heck, to love like you've never loved before!

But life and love happens, and some may say, It's better to be guarded, to be cautious not to give your heart out easily, while others, despite whatever has happened, may say, Love like you've never been hurt before. Give, until there's nothing left, because there's no other way of doing it, if you're gonna love, go all out.

But how do you do that?

Right now I feel like I'm waddling in this when all I want to do is 'muster every ounce of confidence I have, and cannonball into the water.'

I want to be able to hold my heart out, my whole heart and love, unafraid.

Someday, soon.

the broken things

2011-06-06T09:26:00.001+08:00

"Lyn, I am so sorry.."

Before that line was uttered, I heard something break.

I went to the kitchen to find that Momma had accidentally broken that tall coffee cup you'd given to me.

"I'll stick it back or something?"

No, there's no need for that, I said.

Because really, there wasn't. I picked up the broken handle, placed it in the glass, and took it back to my room. I filled it with everything that was once 'us' and placed it on my shelf.

I guess it's okay for some things to be broken, it's okay that we can't fix everything. What's more important is being able to look at those broken things, remember, and be able to be genuinely grateful, for whatever that needed to happen, happened.

"I’ve learned a lot this year.. I learned that things don’t always turn our the way you planned, or the way you think they should. And I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you." - Jennifer Weiner

stuck between the stages

2011-06-03T15:45:00.001+08:00

I hate this part right here.

awful direction

2011-06-02T10:02:00.002+08:00

We've all been around long enough to know that life's made up of highs and lows. One moment you're feeling like you're the king of the world, and the next moment you could be slumped on your bed wondering, Is this all there is to life?!

You've would've guessed by now that this isn't one of those 'happy happy joy joy' post.

But lemme just whine.

I.am.tired.of.waking.up.to.a.stupid.job.every.single.day.

People see me facebook-ing everyday, or tumblr-ing away and they go, "Ohmygosh, your job is so fun!" Excuse me, but my job is not fun.

Tumblr is fun, and I'm bored shitless. I don't even know why I stayed longer than a week at this job, heck, why did I even stay longer than a day! It's not what I want, I'm not actually doing much work here, and no, you're not allowed to shove it in my face that, 'At least you have a job, some people are unemployed, and they have kids to feed, and no home..' Really?

I'd also appreciate it if people would stop telling me, 'At least you've gained some experience. The experience is always more important than the money.' Again, REALLY? Okay, I'm gonna be honest here and say, to me, the experience is JUST AS IMPORTANT as the money. Because I cannot walk out of this office with a whole lot of 'experience,' expecting to go on a vacation to the Maldives.

Experience is a hell of a teacher, but a shitty paymaster.

Also, I miss being around my friends, and talking to them in person.

I hate distance and stale conversations. I hate routines.

And, I really hate the way all these things add up and turn me into sucha pissy person.

'I can't stop my brain from moving in an awful direction, Lord, I can't stop my hands from doing what I don't wanna do anymore, I've been wrong, I've been right, but tonight, I just wanna be yours.' - The Almost.

I am one person and I am two hands and I am one heart

2011-05-26T12:11:00.000+08:00

2011-05-26T09:58:00.000+08:00

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure…

that you really are strong, and you really do have worth."

- Veronica A. Shoffstall

2011-05-25T14:13:00.000+08:00

Saudade: "the love that stays" after someone is gone.

source

2011-05-25T13:39:00.000+08:00

"Remember that there is only one important time and it's Now. The present moment is the only time over which we have dominion. The most important person is always the person with whom you are, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future. The most important pursuit is making that person, the one standing at your side, happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life."

- Leo Tolstoy, 'Three Questions'

(read the full story here)

have faith, in me.

2011-05-24T09:53:00.000+08:00

'Sarah Walker: I was just trying to protect you from getting hurt.
Chuck Bartowski: I don't need you to protect me. I need you to believe in me.
Sarah Walker: I do believe in you!
Chuck Bartowski: I mean really believe in me. Even when you think I'm wrong.'

- Chuck, Season 4, Episode 7.

‘Believe in me, even when you think I’m wrong.’

I honestly can’t think of a better way to phrase something that has probably been my cry for years. I wanted to stop being told what was 'right' to do, or where to go, who to be with, or who not to be with.

I wanted someone to trust my decisions.

I remember screwing up so badly at so many different points of my life and having people there who were trying so hard to protect me. Of course I never saw their good intentions, or rather, I chose to ignore them. Of course I didn’t want to be protected or maybe I did. But more than that, what I had wanted was, to be believed in.

We all want that.

Someone who believes in us, despite who we are and the choices we've made.

Someone who believes in us, whether or not we choose to let them protect us.

Someone who believes in us, even when we're all wrong.

I know of only one person in my entire life who has that much faith in me.

Someone who has protected and believed in me, even when I make the same mistakes, repeatedly.

I don’t know how you do it, Andrea, but thank you :)

2011-05-23T12:50:00.001+08:00

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

- Margaret Atwood

somehow everything is gonna fall right into place

2011-05-23T10:33:00.001+08:00

Who knows how, or when, or why sometimes certain events take such funny twists & turns, but my favourite part in that lil reminder is that,

things will, and do work out (:

a song & a sorry

2011-05-19T15:49:00.003+08:00

I ain't burning bridges, I'm tryin' to mend themI apologize if I ever hurt your feelingsGot my own convictions, And I've got to live themI ain't burnin' bridges, That ain't my intention.

- Jessie James

i could live without you but without you i'd be miserable at best

2011-05-19T10:47:00.000+08:00

Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.

- Mayday Parade, Miserable at Best.

one of the 76548590 things I do not get in life

2011-05-18T11:02:00.000+08:00

Why do we worry so much about half the things happening around the world when we can't change what's happening right here?

You know what irks the hell outta me? All this bull, like, ‘Click to Save Japan’ or ‘Open Mic Event to Help Save Japan.’ Really? Click to Save Japan? I’m pretty sure that site or whatever it is, has had over a million clicks, and tell me, how on earth did that do anything to save Japan? Yeah, sure, you're petitioning for something to be done, but really, are your 'clicks' being heard? And these events that are held apparently to save Japan, tell me really, isn’t that just another publicity stint? Tell me that those ‘singers,’ deep within them, are singing for a cause and not for popularity or whatev, tell me that they are actually concerned about the people's suffering and not about how they look or perform on stage.

Why don’t you just save your voice for something worth speaking up for.

And if you’re planning to ‘pray’ for Japan (or whichever country) - that ‘someone’ would go help them, I think you’re doing it all wrong. If we’re all waiting on ‘someone’ to go save Japan, or for ‘someone’ to do the rest of the dirty work in the world for us, truth is, the world’s never going to be a better place. You, are hoping that ‘someone’ would go, and ‘someone’ is hoping that you would go. So, if you are praying that ‘someone’ is going to save the world, it’s time you got off your knees, and your lazy arse, and go do something about it. Because truth is, that ‘someone’ does not exist, but you do.

I’m not saying that there aren’t good things that come out of these events, or that there aren’t people who are sincere with their works. I’m pretty sure there are, and God bless their souls.

Also, I’m not saying I’m the perfect person or a friggin saint who ALWAYS lives up to these good habits. Heck, I’ve had bad days where I just can’t be bothered about anything or anyone else, but I’m not always that way. And I swear, I’m trying every day, to be better - to be as human as possible, to do my part and God help me, open my eyes to see what’s in front of me, what I can change, while I have the time.

My prayer is that, you do the same.

all the way

2011-05-16T11:31:00.001+08:00

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. ... If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter.

It's the only good fight there is."

- Charles Bukowski

2011-05-15T00:44:00.004+08:00

"You've gotta learn how to let go. Otherwise you're gonna make yourself sick. Never gonna have a good night's sleep again. You'll toss and turn forever, beatin' on yourself for being such a fiasco in life. What's wrong with me? How come I screw up all my relationships? Why am I such a failure? Lemme guess - that's probably what you were up at all hours doin' to yourself again last night."

- Eat Pray Love

I hate/love stuff like this.

the moon, God & you

2011-05-14T23:57:00.004+08:00

I love how staring at the sky helps me escape sometimes. Like everything - my issues, the confusion, the weirdly wired feelings, and even I, seem so small compared to that vast space that I wish would just swallow me up.

Tonight looking at the moon reminded me of two things - God, and you.

I just thought about God and how amazing He is, and these lines from Love Amazing by Relent played in my head:

when I look above the Heavens,
the work of Your fingers,

who am I then that You're so mindful of me?

set them in place,

and call them by name

who am I then that You care so much?

it's not that I can do a lot

it's not that I can't

failures keep piling up, at times I can't stand

but then You're there, You're pouring out Your love

Your amazing love.

And then memories with you creep in.

I recall that night when we lied in the tennis court in your hometown, under the moon, just the two of us. And how it meant so much to me then, that you chose to be with me while your friends were boozing away. How we talked about things that seemed so important then, conversations that I don't even remember now.

Sometimes I just remember things about you and I. Little memories tucked behind things I see or hear. Things that are no longer 'ours.'

Just... things.

I don't hate them, but I hate what they do to me.

They replay themselves, over and over, making me want to crawl into my bed, hideaway, while I repeat my 'sorry(s)'.

And it's time like these when I have conversations in my head with, well... me. (I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does this, it's just that this helps me reason stuff out, most of the time).

This is how this one went:

maybe it's only kickin in now.

or maybe i'm just lonely.

either way, i don't want to remember.

but i dont want to forget either.

Excuse me, but you're gonna have to pick one!

So this convo goes on and it just leaves me tired.

In the end, my mind and heart give in to the tiredness. And I find myself coming to a conclusion - l guess I'll allow myself to remember until I eventually forget. But I will not allow the guilt to take over each time.

Much easier said than done, but I'll remember, and I'll be happy (:

Arms

2011-05-14T23:16:00.000+08:00

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

- Christina Perri

The Station

2011-05-11T11:17:00.001+08:00

“Fuck it. You throw a dart at a map, we’ll go there and start new. Somewhere else in the world that’s not here. Somewhere where we haven’t said things to each other that we can’t unsay and done things which we can’t undo.

There we can say new things. We can do new things. And those new things we say and do will be more important than the old things.Let’s leave. Please. Leave with me.”

- I Wrote This For You

cause it's not over till it's over

2011-05-09T13:21:00.001+08:00

sometimes nowhere leads to somewhere
and it all starts again, in the end.

- Jason Reeves

the journey, the landing.

2011-05-09T13:13:00.002+08:00

The past week has got to be one of the most trying weeks for me.

I'm currently on a semester break and I've been trying for jobs and waiting on calls. Sometimes the calls come in, sometimes they don't. And I hate the thought of sitting around and not being productive. I felt like I was in such a scary place - the in-between. I hate in-betweens. I didn't know where to go from there.

My patience was wearing thin and I constantly found myself lying in bed in the middle of the night with a million questions, begging for answers.

'Trust God' was often the response to my predicament, and I tried.

I kept believing for something to happen, but for an entire week (which seemed like forever) I felt lost.

Just lost.

Like there was no place for me to place my feet firmly on the ground. Lost inside, lost outside, feeling like a complete emo nemo half the time.

And then, one day, Andrea texts me and says:

"When things are out of our control, God is in control. He will carry you, protect you, until you have reached your destination, your place, your calling."

Today, I've landed, still safe and secure in His arms.

And I promise to make the best out of what's here & now.

2011-05-06T21:46:00.001+08:00

And honestly, I have been begging for answers
That You and only You can give to me
My voice crying loud
I've been crying for days now
And as I start to run, I stop to breathe.

- Mayday Parade

2011-05-05T00:43:00.000+08:00

"I know there were no guaratnees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anything. Some things dont last forever, but some things do. Like a great song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering close, hoping you still see the person you see there . . . That was the thing, you just never knew. Right now, though, I wanted not to think forward or backward, but only to lose myself in the words."

- Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)

a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land

2011-05-04T15:42:00.002+08:00

Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough.